I was able to hide behind being a wife in an alternative family lifestyle…. but all along, I knew, my husband knew, that I preferred to live with less. it all happened to me at a young age, African tribal culture and Zimbabwe especially called to me. an African elder woman sang in me sometimes, if I let her, or if I let myself, I should say… my children were raised sheltered from the western culture until they were ready and strong enough to dive in and do what they are doing with it. i thought i had it all figured out…..
idealism appeals to me. not only appeals to me but takes hold of me and makes me dream wild dreams that I cant help but try and walk the talk. i truly thought that by giving up money, I would suddenly be surrounded by village people who lived tribal lives…. wow, was i in the dark. privileged white girl.
I was raised to be a privileged white girl…. the fool has lived and laughed and after the shame runs its course…. oh well. what to do? I keep spiraling towards me…
i did create my own form of village mentality in our home life…. i took on the traditional role as Mother and wife…i dove into a music that was deeply rooted in ancient culture. My kids were raised as if they lived in a village. i supported my husband in his passion…. music. and if seemed to fit perfectly with my passion… tribe… but it didnt. i didnt find the equality of love or the balance of the he and the she. i am so very simple in my seeing… i truly believed we could make our polarity work. I took his last name out of a longing for real longevity in relationship.
For now, please don’t call me by any name,Thank you, just call me gorgeous.
after 25 years of looking back… i now know…. i wasn’t with the father of my children for music, or for tribe. I was loyal and deeply devoted to him because he gave me my two brilliant children. If ever i were to say i had a guru outside of myself, i would say it was in these two…,my children. Together with them, we truly walk into a new paradigm…holding hands, even laughing most the time… or at least making funny noises.
Walking down the aisle was never in my thoughts… so i didn’t… Peter turned around while doing taxes after our 7th year with children? i don’t know and don’t care what the rules were. we celebrated right there and then… we did that a lot… it kept us together for 18 years and we did do some wild living with Miracles.
I rubber band to how it felt as a young woman, now at mid life…. If ever i look back and see that i have had a loving free relationship with a man for many years… then i will call myself married… not one moment before.
so, back to the whole money thing, which actually, this whole story is a build up to.
i worked for 3 hours today at the local store, helping put in a garden. I offered it for free, but i think folks are starting to get me now…. she paid me $30. Thirty dollars! i did what lots of folks do with thirty dollars.. i bought cream for tea in the morning, dog food and then went down to my local pub and had a beer and a salad… sat there in heaven playing with kids and laughing at the audacity i have at being so rich for a moment. and im goin back for more tomorrow. money… its so very NOT simple or fair… but having a few bucks slipping through my fingers feels real good these days.
I went about 2 weeks without any money coming in.. just a little while ago. In fact that is what has caused me to be courageous enough to write down my story. I spent a lot of that time with my son, Raven. As a team, we would literally go out with out gas, money or food and would return home with just enough…. or some evenings full to the brim because of the friendships we are so blessed to participate in. a few of my friends (who also live lives with very little money) make it a regular thing to give a 20 dollar bill to whoever needs it …. actions come and go spontaneously… living freely means living on an edge and really having to practice that muscle called trust. Radical trust.
Money comes into my life. The man I built our Family Trade with gives me money. funny, the thing i never demanded or wanted from him…. i lived frugally giving us room to live as authentically as we did… and the first thing he did when he left, was start giving me money….Go figure. i’ll take it. sometimes paying someone off is easier than practicing unconditional love… in the short run. (yes, i still carrying grievances but only for a short while longer, for I do know that feeling victimized by anyone only keeps prescribing being victimized… someday One just has to stop the battle.
in fact, im quite delighted at how life is treating me. I have no qualms about receiving. If you have a gift for me, i will receive it graciously. but if you want to pay me for my services, the way the world does…. you gotta be outa your mind. Ide rather give it away for free. and i will not let you convince me that we need to charge more to respect our worth… oh my… that’s a whole nother story.
listen up, to respect our worth is to make the world a free place. everything free. that means EVERYBODY eats not just the select few.
My services are very motherly,
In my hands, your garden is Beauty.
In my hands, your children are safe and happy. young people are just pure fun for me and you get a moment to breath. in fact, give them to me and leave us be please…. we just want to have fun and learn about love and life while laughing… i don’t want no machines, so don’t tell me to get a sewing machine ( living with cars, computers and tvs has been enough for me!!!) but i will hand stitch you something so beautiful, you’ll want another. i will listen to you in such a way that YOU figure out what needs to happen next. I will be a reflection for you.. for i comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable… its my job.
See, i leave room in my life to be your neighbor, your mother, your lover (tho im very picky), your friend. Its true. ide rather live in poverty than be available to the world of money, spending it all my on gas and time going somewhere else to make somebody else’s dream come true… and if you look at what I can do for you, most will only want to pay me the acceptable $10. an hour….. please. don’t insult me. especially when you make $20. an hour or more (or worse, your just rich and ungenerous). But if i offer to do your dishes, let me do them. i know you have something for me too… it just works that way.
and better yet, look in, listen and see…absorb without reply. the way im livin is the new heaven… if we all do it… oh my what would the world be like? i ask you… and i invite you. you will bring your own variety of skills to the table… What you do and what i do, are of equal value and there is no question about that…. this is the ideal world i dream of…the real world I live. cuz even if ive had to do it quite isolated…. ive been building strength…
so, if you see me tomorrow and you wonder… damn who is that woman and why is she always so happy… come walk with me awhile. we’ll stride by the freebox and get a new piece of clothing we always wanted… or we’ll run in to my sweet lover whos returning my car full of gas, the oil checked and ready for an adventure…..we’ll most definitely stop to talk to EVERY kid on the block and have you noticed all the grasshoppers? i don’t need much but what i do have… im finding.. is enough.