As days go by and the survivals of winter shape and create my days, I don’t have the time for a daily blog. This winter is being bipolar. Im for once thankful for spring in winter, which to me feels pretty selfish, to be rooting for global warming rather than how nature intends. It shows me that i have fallen back into the world of making money matter more than setting the heart free. Miracles would have had to be in major production for me otherwise, I am at the end of my days of self inflicted poverty. I can no longer live with such a deep commitment to the earth, for my life is a mess and I find myself questioning everything.
I find myself narrating through the days considering I live my life as if there is no such thing as time. I fill it with whatever it is I do have on my hands, working towards changing how my life has gone and becoming someone new. Really new. Changed. Im BEING the change, and its difficult, misunderstood and truly sovereign
I have just enough savings to continue dreaming of an RV, but the looking has completely come to a halt. I knew that by asking for money from humanity (usually I ask of The Universe), I would have to face the part of me that has lost faith. It meant that ide have to face MY OWN HUMANITY directly. I am ready and at attention and feeling a bit stuck.
I notice that I have trained my thoughts to always come out positive in the long run, my writing being a fantastic study tool. I love this about me, AND today, I think I may do it a little differently and just come out with my bitch session. hahaha. release is in order!
Im knackered (a term my friend Rhissanna introduced to me), meaning, the exhaustion one feels , like a horse feels, going to the slaughter house. Spiritually speaking, this is a good sign. Im at the end of a long drawn out story that wasn’t going to turn out as a dream come true until I focused on my own commitment to being a member of this society I so long to be free of.
its been difficult, but only because I have courage to live on the edge of a cliff, the scene spectacular but the not knowing deceptive.
I will succeed in this dream I am so dedicated to and I will stay myself. dammit. I will not betray my kindheartedness, I will dance in my gullible simpleton ways proudly and I will continue to role model my incredible capacity to stay ME and stay upful when im up and real when im down.
I really don’t know how I will move forward and find solutions in this chaos, but I do know that all these years of practicing being here now has given me strength and faith and that is all that matters.